“This is so hard. We don’t have to do anything right now if you don’t want to. I’ll just keep you company. You tell me when you’re ready to try something, and we can go together.” Sometimes we might write a note to the parent or caregiver the child was missing, but even this I would usually wait to suggest until their tears had subsided a little. Nothing is a magic trick that works every time, but most of the time I could feel children relax in my lap when I said these words. They wouldn’t jump right up, ready to play, but their tears and breathing would ease. The subtext is, “I hear what you’re trying to tell me. I won’t try to talk you out of it, and you’re not alone.” There’s relief in simply being heard.
So gorgeous and so true. For some reason, the essay puts me in touch with my teen-age self and how I must have appeared to my parents. They struggled so to let go but weren't very good at it. I struggled to stand on my own not much better. It took many decades to work that tug of war out. Somehow I think you'll do a much better job of it.
It's such a challenging, transitional time — so hard as a parent to let go and hard as a teen to figure out how to stand on your own while still feeling anchored. So many of the rhythms of the relationship change.
I wanted to let you know how much I have been enjoying these thoughtful and reflective observations. I have a new appreciation of the sensitive and wise teacher you have been and are. I look forward to hearing more.
“This is so hard. We don’t have to do anything right now if you don’t want to. I’ll just keep you company. You tell me when you’re ready to try something, and we can go together.” Sometimes we might write a note to the parent or caregiver the child was missing, but even this I would usually wait to suggest until their tears had subsided a little. Nothing is a magic trick that works every time, but most of the time I could feel children relax in my lap when I said these words. They wouldn’t jump right up, ready to play, but their tears and breathing would ease. The subtext is, “I hear what you’re trying to tell me. I won’t try to talk you out of it, and you’re not alone.” There’s relief in simply being heard.
This works with adults too!
So true! In most ways, I think adults and children are not as different as we often assume.❤️
So gorgeous and so true. For some reason, the essay puts me in touch with my teen-age self and how I must have appeared to my parents. They struggled so to let go but weren't very good at it. I struggled to stand on my own not much better. It took many decades to work that tug of war out. Somehow I think you'll do a much better job of it.
It's such a challenging, transitional time — so hard as a parent to let go and hard as a teen to figure out how to stand on your own while still feeling anchored. So many of the rhythms of the relationship change.
I wanted to let you know how much I have been enjoying these thoughtful and reflective observations. I have a new appreciation of the sensitive and wise teacher you have been and are. I look forward to hearing more.
-J Elliott
Thank you so much for these kind words. I was fortunate to have some good models of warm, caring adults when I was young, who set the tone. ❤️